


Who Takes Care of You

by KJMusings



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 07:15:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12053991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KJMusings/pseuds/KJMusings
Summary: A retelling of the last part of S4 starting with Tinder Box. What if Abby had stayed behind with Raven instead of Murphy and Emori?   Doctor Mechanic all the way.





	Who Takes Care of You

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: Let’s say all of S4 to be safe, but mainly from Tinder Box on. 
> 
> Disclaimers: Okay, I’m going to label this as AU as I’ve pretty much re-written the storyline of the 2nd half of season 4 in order to fit the idea that wouldn’t leave me alone. If you’ve seen the episodes, you know what I left out or changed. Please forgive the discrepancies and any glaring errors. Especially the glaring absence of Sinclair. I love him, but it would have just made this story longer and more complicated than I had planned. I did borrow a brief bit of dialogue from “The Chosen” as it seemed a fitting ending. I own nothing or nobody connected with the 100 in any way shape or form. Entertainment purposes only.

Raven sat up in the big comfortable bed and stretched luxuriously.  For the first time in longer than she could remember, she felt rested, both in mind and body.  During one of the brief windows of time she’d had away from the persistent voice of Becca or ALIE or whoever it was, pushing her to float herself, Raven had finally figured out the key to getting rid of the last pieces of the chip all together.  She had told Abby her idea and when Abby protested, saying it was too risky, Raven had just given her the puppy dog eyes which always seemed to have Abby sighing in surrender.  

“Abby,” Raven breathed, remembering that the doctor still hadn’t undergone the treatment to remove the rest of the chip.  After Raven had recovered from the shock treatment, Abby had sent her to bed to rest, while she documented the procedure and the results.  Raven had argued, but as she always did, Abby swore they would take care of her after she was certain Raven had fully recovered.  This time it had been Raven who’d been unable to refuse the soulful dark eyes of the one person she trusted most on this cursed planet.

Reluctantly, she slipped out of the most comfortable bed she’d ever slept on and not bothering with her brace, limped over to the large glass walls over looking the lab.  Part of her found the openness a little creepy, but the bed and the shower went a long way to making up for it.  Her eyes automatically went to the last place she’d seen Abby and wasn’t surprised at all to see the doctor slumped over on the desk, clearly asleep. Sometimes it was a physical pain in Raven’s chest to think about how little rest Abby Griffin got.

Sighing, she slid back into her clothes and leg brace and made her way down the stairs.  She approached the sleeping doctor carefully, not wanting to startle her.  Abby’s breakdown after Clark took Luna’s blood told Raven and everyone watching, just how close to breaking the usually focused and composed woman was and it had broken Raven’s heart. Still, she couldn’t forget that she, Clarke and Jackson, taken an innocent man and shoved him into a chamber, exposing him to so much radiation his insides boiled.   It didn’t matter that they all believed him to be a murderous animal, they wanted to do it.

Her whole perception of Abby had changed in that moment and Raven didn’t know how to get back that respect for Abby she used to rely on.

Sighing, Raven drew closer and for a long moment she stared at the sleeping Doctor and seeing the peace on that beautiful face, Raven realized that she couldn’t ever remember seeing Abby when she wasn’t exhausted.   She reached out and pushed a loose lock of hair from Abby’s eyes, noticing a worry line between her brows that Raven suspected may be permanent.

“Abby,” she said quietly.

* * * * * *

_“Is there nothing you won’t do to save your own ass?”_

_Abby jumped at the unexpected voice behind her and spun around.  “Raven?”_

_“Sure, it’s a great ass,” Raven continued as if Abby had spoken, a derisive tone in her voice that said she wasn’t being playful, “but is protecting it worth having sold your soul?”_

_Abby’s heart clenched tightly as painful memories shot through her, racing one after another each more painful than the last._

_“I did what I had to,” she insisted, though her voice was far less firm than she would have liked._

_“Is that what lets you sleep at night…Doctor?” Raven sneered.  “You have done a lot of shitty things over the last few years, including sending your own daughter down her to die, but what you did to that grounder?” Raven scoffed.  “You tortured that poor guy…you blew him up from the inside and you didn’t care. You were prepared to do it again, until it was your own daughter on the table.”_

_“You don’t understand,” Abby choked._

_“Oh, I understand. And I’m thinking you had already decided that I was the one to be shoved into the oven.  I mean, I’m crippled, I can’t fight and I hold you back. I’d be better off as a lab rat, right?”_

_“Oh God, Raven, no. That’s not true.”_

_“Sure it is. That’s all I’ve ever been to you, isn’t it? Someone to experiment on?  It’s like I said,” Raven continued. “You’re no better than those butchers at Mount Weather.”_

_“Raven, please don’t say that,” Abby rasped, every word, every sneer as sharp as the needles she’d shoved into Luna, or that she’d had shoved into her._

_“Isn’t that what that grounder tried to say as his insides were boiling? Abby please,” Raven mocked. “Is that what Clarke said when you told her you were sending her down to the ground? Please?”_

_“Stop it!” Abby cried desperately, clamping her hands over her ears._

_“You deserve to hear the truth of what you’ve done,” a male voice spoke up._

_Abby turned and saw the man she had believed to be the murderous grounder Baylis, standing next to Raven, blood and burns and god only knew what else covering his face and body._

_“You stood there and watched me cook alive from the inside and did nothing,” he growled._

_“I tried to stop it,” Abby cried._

_“Not soon enough!” the man roared.  “I came here only for food for my family and you did this to me. For what?  For nothing! You failed, as you always do.”_

_Part of Abby could recognize the skaikru like manner of his speech which seemed out of place, but all she heard was the horrible, despicable truth._

_“I had no choice!”_

_“You and your daughter both throw those words out as if they mean something. They mean nothing!  Your daughter at least has a small excuse.  She learned from you. You are supposed to heal, but choose to kill.  You are the one who should be called Wanheda.  Commander of Death.”_

_“I am trying to save thousands!”_

_“You aren’t trying hard enough.”  Abby gasped as she heard the cold voice of her daughter._

_“Clarke?” she whispered, tears nearly choking her as she saw the radiation ravaged face of her daughter once more. “Oh Clarke, please, not you…”_

_“This is what you have let me become,” Clarke hissed.  “At first a murderer and now a dead one, because you’re too busy crying and sleeping to actually work.”_

_“I’m doing everything I can,” Abby choked._

_“That’s not good enough!”_

_“We are depending on you Abby and you are failing us. People are dying all around us because you aren’t working fast enough.” Marcus joined in. “Work faster!”_

_“I can’t!  I can’t create a cure for something I don’t’ even understand!”_

_“You always say that,” Clarke shouted. “You are supposed to be the doctor and you’re never good enough.”_

_“No Clarke, please don’t say that,” Abby begged.  “I do the best I can.”_

_“Your best sucks Abby,” Raven spoke up once more.” That was made clear by what you did to the little girl Adria.”_

_“I tried to save her,” Abby was nearly sobbing as the verbal assaults kept coming.  “You were the one who wanted to let her die.  How is that different than what I did?”_

_“Because you didn’t know what that medicine would do to her and I knew the little girl was already dead. For all you know, those meds just made her pain worse.  And here, you took a healthy man and willingly exposed him to the worst pain imaginable,” Raven snarled, “and when it failed, you couldn’t find a new subject fast enough. Everyone who comes in contact with you suffers, Abby especially your daughter because you made her just like you. Here’s a thought Abby, maybe you and Clarke should be the ones to stay outside when the wave hits.  At least that way, the rest of us will have some hope of surviving. In fact, you should do all of us a favor and just run into the black rain.”_

_“I can’t! I’ll die,” Abby cried._

_“Exactly and don’t you think that’s what you deserve?”_

_“NO! Raven, please. Why are you saying these things?”_

Raven could only watch helplessly as Abby had a breakdown right in front of her.  When Abby had lifted her head and started to talk, Raven had only thought that she was finally awake or at the least, still dreaming, but then the words hit her and Raven gasped as she realized Abby was hallucinating.  The pain, the begging, the tears, none of that was the Abby Griffin she’d come to know and it frightened Raven even more than the world dying around her and it broke her heart into a million pieces.

“Abby,” she reached out to touch the woman who was looking past her as if she were truly seeing her daughter and whoever else she was talking to.  Raven knew first hand, that the hallucinations were extremely believable and that just made Abby’s pain so much unbearable to witness.

“Raven, please!” 

The desperate pleading in Abby’s voice and the tears in her eyes, nearly made Raven throw up when she realized she was one of the people tormenting Abby’s broken mind.

“Oh, god Abby, please come back,” Raven choked, forcing herself not to shake the other woman and risk causing a seizure.   Not knowing what else to do, she stepped into Abby’s line of sight and cupped her face.

“Abby, please, it’s not real,” she said again, ignoring the tears streaming down her own cheeks.  “It’s not real,” she repeated over and over as she held that sweet, exhausted face, wiping away tears.  Finally, she pulled the sobbing, struggling Abby against her and wrapped her arms around her.  She placed a gentle kiss on Abby’s hair and let herself cry, wondering what her dream self, Clarke and the others had said to her.   All she knew was that she’d been so wrong.  Abby did care, even now with the world at stake, and a man she believed to be an abusive monster, she cared deeply about everything. She felt every loss, every failure like a knife. She absorbed every horrible thing Clarke and the rest of the 100 had been forced to see, do and suffer, into herself, blaming herself for all of it all the while patiently enduring Marcus and everyone else demanding the impossible from her and never letting any of the strain she had to feel, show.   There was so much Abby carried alone, more than Raven had ever let herself realize, but she chose to bury it inside and now it was killing her, just as effectively as the ALIE remnants would do.

“Oh Abby,” she whispered brokenly. “It’s not real.  Please come back to me. I need you here Abby. I need you.”

With those three words, Abby seemed to slowly come back to herself and she blinked to clear her mind.  She looked up and saw Raven and everything came rushing back and she released a whimpering sob.

“I’ve got to go,” she choked.  She rose from her chair and headed for the front door.  She was halfway there before Raven understood her intention.

“Oh fuck,” she swore and hurried after the doctor as best she could. “Abby, don’t!  You can’t go outside, it will kill you.”

“It’s what I deserve,” Abby said sadly.  “You said so yourself.”

“It wasn’t me Abby,” Raven insisted, cursing her useless leg.  She knew one sure way to get Abby to stop and for once she didn’t have one ounce of hesitation about using it.

“Abby wait, please. You know I can’t run,” she begged, relief washing over her as the doctor halted her steps almost immediately.

“I’m going outside,” Abby said dully.  “Don’t worry Raven. The pain will be nothing compared to what I put that poor man through and it won’t last long, but it’s the only way I can make amends.”

Raven stopped in front of Abby, pausing to catch her breath. “Abby, there’s nothing to make amends for.  Emori lied to you, she made you think he was an evil monster to protect her own ass, she is the one that did this.”

“No,” Abby shook her head. “You said I was just like the butchers at Mount Weather and you were right. I willingly killed that man and I willingly stole Luna’s bone marrow, the way they stole yours and mine. I didn’t care.”

“Yeah Abby.  Yeah you did care and that’s what makes you different,” Raven pushed.  “You did what you did to save everyone but even if I didn’t see it at the time, I knew it was tearing you up inside.  The mountain men were only protecting themselves and they cheered their achievements. You don’t.  You’re nothing like them.”

Abby offered what was probably the saddest smile Raven had ever seen. “I heard you Raven. You think I’m a monster.”

“I was angry, Abby. I was having flashbacks to the mountain and the pain that I…that we both, suffered just for our bone marrow.  I swear to God, didn’t mean it. I know you’re not a monster. You are the bravest, smartest, kindest person I’ve ever met.”

“I wish I could believe that.”

Raven was never really good at words, so she did the only thing she could think of to show Abby just how very much she meant to her.  It wasn’t the circumstance she’d always imagined, but it was the only chance she would have.

Slowly, she lifted her shaking hands to Abby’s tear stained face.  “Believe it Abby.  You are by far, the most important person in the world to me and you have been since I first met you. I…” running out of words, Raven cautiously leaned in and placed her lips against Abby’s, willing her to feel just how special Raven knew her to be.

Abby was so still, Raven feared she’d made another humongous mistake that would cost her everything, but then she heard the soft whimper and trembling hands lifted to her waist and Raven was lost.  She deepened the kiss, trying to show Abby all that she felt but then Abby was gone and to Raven’s horror, a low guttural moan came from the doctor as she dropped to her knees and began to cry great heaving sobs that Raven knew she’d been holding inside since before they came to earth and sobs she knew she’d be hearing for a very long time.

Tears stinging her own eyes, Raven lowered herself to the floor by Abby and pulled the grieving, overworked woman into her arms once more.

“It’s okay Abby,” she whispered. “Let it go. Let it all go. I’ve got you.”

“I’m so sorry,” Abby cried, repeating the three words over and over.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Raven replied, sliding her hands up and down Abby’s slender back, hoping to soothe her, but willing to let Abby cry as long as she needed.

“Abby, you’ve done so much, sacrificed so much for everyone here,” Raven whispered, rubbing a cheek across Abby’s soft hair.  “You have always, _always_ , put everyone else first.  You care for people with a compassion and fierceness that never fails to amaze me, but Abby, who takes care of you?”

“I don’t need…”

“Yeah Abby. Yeah, you do need it.  For as long as I’ve known you, you have carried every burden all alone, never letting anyone in. You are so guarded that I almost missed it, but I have seen it. I can see the pain and the exhaustion in your eyes, despite whatever words are coming out of your mouth. You can’t do it anymore,” Raven said firmly, tightening her hold in case Abby pulled away. 

“You’re a fine one to talk about letting people in,” Abby sniffed.

Raven chuckled. “Yeah I know and I want to change that.  You’ve made me want to change that.  I’ve already let you closer than anyone other than Sinclair, Abby.  You are the only person I want to let in, that I feel safe letting in and…I want to be that for you.”

“Why?” Abby pulled away, looking at the young woman who had such a bright future ahead, if she’d only realize her own self worth. Abby tried to forget the words of what she now knew was a hallucination and focus on the concern, the sincerity and something else Abby couldn’t identify and her heart cracked under the weight of so many ‘what if’s,’ 

Raven wanted to do what she always did in these situations and make some horrible joke in order to protect her feelings, but this time, looking in those tear-filled, beautiful eyes, seeing such a formidable woman so broken and almost desperate, Raven couldn’t do that.  Instead, she opened her heart and ran her fingers once more down Abby’s cheek.

“Because, regardless of anything I might have said, either in a hallucination or anywhere else, regardless of how big of a brat I might have acted like, I…care for you Abby.  A lot.  I mean, more than I’ve ever cared for anyone. You’ve pushed your way in here,” she tapped her chest, “and I can’t stand to see you like this, don’t you see?”

Abby’s breath caught in her throat at the implication of those words and the look in Raven’s eyes. “Raven?”

“I don’t know if you can ever see me as anything other than some kid with a useless leg, but what I feel for you…I’m not a kid, Abby.”   Raven suddenly felt more terrified than she ever had. 

Abby had no idea what to say. She’d never once, ever considered Raven would have romantic feelings toward her, and somehow even that made her feel guilty, as if she had totally diminished Raven as a woman.

“Raven, I…”

Raven’s heart stopped and her fear of rejection kicked in.  She couldn’t be rejected if she was the one that walked away, right?

“I know you don’t feel that way about me Abby,” she said gently, putting on a smile that made no attempt to pass as authentic.   “And it’s okay, I get it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am your friend.  I can be the one person that can help you carry whatever it is that weighs you down. I can be the one who doesn’t pressure you or judge you, if you’ll give me another chance.”

Once again, Abby felt herself near tears.  She hadn’t cried this much in…well, ever.  This time, she was the one to cup Raven’s face.  “Raven, honey, you have your own burdens to carry. I can’t…”

“What if I need you to Abby?” Raven cried, covering Abby’s hand. “Maybe, helping you with your problems, is a way of helping me?”

Abby had absolutely no argument against the young woman’s logic, but still, there were so many doubts and noises. “I don’t know if I can, Raven. I have to be strong for Clarke, for you, for everyone.  People are depending on me, Raven. All the time. I can’t let them down or people die.”

“There’s not one single person here, grounder or skaikru, that hasn’t seen just how very strong you are, but sometimes, even the strongest of us, have to let go of what’s festering inside or it will kill us.  I can’t lose you Abby,” Raven wiped angrily at the tears on her face. “I can’t.”

Abby was torn between the continued whispers of Becca telling her that she can be rid of her pain by just stepping outside, and the intense emotion shining in Raven’s eyes.  How had Abby not seen Raven’s feelings for her?  What did it mean?

“Raven, I could be your mother,” Abby whispered, reaching out to gently wipe the tears from Raven’s cheek.

Raven gave a watery laugh. “Not even close, Abby.”

“Sweetheart I’m fif…”

Raven placed her fingers over Abby’s lips, savoring the softness and remembering how warm they felt against her own.

“I know how old you are and I don’t care and you shouldn’t either.  Age is a number and when I see you, all I see is a brilliant, strong, loyal, and giving woman, not to mention insanely hot.”

Abby offered one of those half smiles that never ceased to make Raven’s heart flutter.  “Raven, you are very sweet, but you’re just confused and…”

“Abby, you’ve never treated me like a kid before. Please don’t start now, not about this. I know my own feelings.”

“I’m sorry honey, I didn’t mean to but…”

“I know, this is coming out of nowhere. Hell, I wasn’t expecting it either Abby, but it happened.  One day I just looked up and saw you standing with Clarke and then you smiled.  You hardly ever smile anymore so when I saw it, I just…it was like my heart started to truly beat in that moment.  You were so beautiful and what I felt was so much more than I felt when I first stepped on the ground.  You took my breath away Abby and I’ve never gotten it back.”

Abby felt tears in her eyes again, but this time from the sheer enormity of Raven’s feelings.  Feelings for her.

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.  She hadn’t forgotten Raven’s kisses and couldn’t deny that the young woman certainly knew how to kiss and that her lips were still tingling.

“You don’t’ have to say anything,” Raven said sadly. “As I said, I know that you would never even consider me as…well, it doesn’t matter.  All I want is for you to finally be happy and for you to know that I could _never_ see you as a monster or anything except the best human being I’ve ever met.  And I just want you to know that you aren’t alone anymore Abby.”

Abby bowed her head, still hearing Becca reminding her of all she’d done, what she was still willing to do, but Raven’s words were drowning them out. The feel of Raven’s lips against hers, the tears she shed on Abby’s behalf….it had been so long since anyone had made her feel needed…wanted.  Calloused fingertips lifted her chin and she was met by Raven’s gently smiling face and suddenly, it was her heart that fluttered.

“It’s alright Abby,” Raven said quietly and she meant it. All that was important to her in that moment was Abby and knowing the woman was okay and no longer driven by her hallucinations to run into the killer rain.

Abby had no idea what came over her in that moment. Loneliness? Fear?  Gratitude?  Or maybe the realization that her feelings for Raven hadn’t been quite as simple as she’d believed?  All of those? All Abby knew was that the voice in her head had nothing to do with her reaching out to take Raven’s face in her hands.

“It’s really not Raven,” she murmured vaguely before leaning in and placing her lips against Raven’s.

Raven actually jumped when she felt Abby’s kiss. And just like the first one, sparks shot through her in a beautiful wave until a thought crossed her mind and she pulled away.

“I don’t need your pity, Abby,” she managed and then Abby smiled, the same smile that had captured her carefully guarded heart.

“Oh Raven, my proud, beautiful girl, I would never pity you. Not for a second.”

“Then, why?  Is it the hallucinations? I mean. We still have to do the procedure on you and…”   Abby’s lips silenced her and Raven would have wept in relief to have her fierce, determined Abby back, if she hadn’t been so caught up in desire.  Instead she shifted, ignoring the pain that flashed through her hip.  The pain was nothing compared to having Abby’s amazing body pressed against her and those soft lips sliding over hers. 

Abby moaned softly as Raven slid her tongue against her lips.  This may not have been a situation that had ever crossed her mind before, but at that moment, she didn’t know why it hadn’t.  Nothing had ever felt as right as kissing Raven’s sarcastic, impertinent, beautiful mouth.

Suddenly a loud crackling sound filled the air.

“…their way.  Abby, do you read me?”

“Fuck,” Raven swore angrily as she pulled away from Abby, although the sight of the Abby panting with lips swollen and a glazed look in her eyes, made her feel somewhat better, if still frustrated.

Abby sighed and got to her feet, helping Raven to hers as they went to the radio.  

“We’re here, Marcus,” Abby said, her eyes firmly on Raven’s and Raven couldn’t hold back a shiver.  That low, husky voice of Abby’s had to be one of the sexiest things about the woman.

“…okay?”

“Sorry, what?” Abby pulled her eyes from Raven so she could concentrate.

“Are you okay?’

“I’m okay, Marcus.”

“Oh good. We’re fine here. There was a near war when we it came down to a lottery for the 100 beds for Skaikru.  It seems that Jaha and a lot of our people think that only the grounders should have to make sacrifices.”

“Of course,” Abby said, unable to hide a twinge of bitterness, thinking of the 300 people Jaha and Marcus had no problem sacrificing on the Ark, of all the people she’d had no problem sacrificing, never once being the one willing to sacrifice.

“Well, those who tried to start a war and attacked innocent people made the lottery unnecessary and we now have our 100 beds.”

“99.”

“99? Abby?”

“You have 99 beds filled.  I’m not going,” Abby blurted suddenly. 

“Wait, what?”

“What?” Raven echoed, staring at Abby in shock.

“I said, I’m not going to the bunker.”

“Abby, you are coming, even if we have to drag you here,” Marcus stated firmly.  There are 24 hours until the wave hits. Clarke and Bellamy are getting everything set and they’ll be there for you and Raven in 10 hours.  Be ready.”

“You have no authority over me, Marcus,” Abby said coldly.

“I know that, but Abby, be reasonable.”

“I am,” she insisted. “Marcus, I sent 100 kids, including my own down to the ground, instead of coming myself. I sent 300 innocent people to suffocate and die, instead of volunteering myself, and I put a poor innocent man in a radiation chamber and basically tortured him, and then watched as my daughter was willing to undergo the same test when I couldn’t.  It’s time I actually put my own ass on the line for a change and take risks I’ve been demanding of everyone else.”

“Abby, Jesus,” Raven whispered in dawning dismay, seeing the determination on her face and she knew it wasn’t the effects of the AI driving her.  Abby really meant it.

“Abby, this isn’t a request,” Marcus told her. “You are the definition of essential personnel. We need you here. I need you.”

Raven’s heart broke, as Marcus talked to Abby, feeling like an unwanted eavesdropper in a conversation between lovers.

“No, you don’t.  You already Jackson who’s as good a doctor as I am, as well as Niylah and Clarke.   You don’t need another doctor.”

“Abby, you’re not thinking straight. I know…”

Raven grabbed the radio before Abby could react.

“She’s going Marcus, don’t worry about it,” she said shortly before disconnecting.  

“Raven…”

“No, Abby. I know what you’re thinking.  I get it. I do. I feel the exact same way you do.”

“You do?’

Raven snorted. “Yeah I do.  You’re a freaking doctor Abby. You find cures, you save lives.  I’m just a mechanic who fixes things and have a useless leg on top of it. I can’t fight and people have to stay behind for me when I do get to go out on a mission or whatever, so hell no. I don’t think I deserve to be in that bunker.”

Abby shouldn’t have been surprised by that.  Raven had never seen her own value.

“Oh yes you do, Rave,” she said firmly. “Your amazing mind, your ability to create solutions out of nothing, your courage, all of that is what has saved all of us, so many times.  You keep people grounded. The others need you Raven, to keep them together.”

Raven couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh my God, Abby. You just described yourself, don’t you get it? No, I guess you don’t.  God. Every single time that we’ve been in a crisis, every single time I think I can’t take anymore, the _second_ I see you, it’s as if everything bad goes away and I can breathe again. You do that for everyone Abby, whether you’re treating them, or just walk into the middle of warring grounders without a weapon.  Everyone feels better when you’re there.  Nothing is more essential to them…to me, then you are Abby and if you stay behind, I stay behind.”

Abby stared at Raven and she knew in her heart that Raven meant every word.  The thought of watching her suffer the effects of radiation or starvation was nearly too much for Abby to stand.

_“See Abby? Another person willing to die for you. Can’t you see the best way to help Raven, to help Clarke and the others and to help yourself is for you to sacrifice yourself.  Let yourself be free from pain, from the burdens and pressures that are becoming to much to bear. Let everyone be free from the fear of whether they will be the next one you experiment on or the next one you send to die. Let Raven live, free from her dependence on someone who will always put her profession first, and free of her misguided little crush on a woman who is old enough to be her mother and a woman already involved with Marcus Kane. Raven is a brilliant young woman with her whole life to live. Can you live with her giving hers up for you?”_

And just like that, all the pain and guilt and shame from before returned like a hard kick to the chest.  She knew she was hallucinating, but it didn’t matter as Becca’s voice said everything she’d been thinking for so long.

“No,” she whispered. “I can’t live with that.”

Raven’s heart fell as she saw Abby once more fall prey to the thing in her head and she grew afraid.  “Abby, come on, let’s go get that procedure done, huh?”  Raven wrapped her arm around the now violently shaking Abby and led her to the tank. 

“This really wasn’t the way I’d imagined taking your clothes off,” she said, hoping a playful tone, no matter how forced, would keep Abby focused.  She was almost giddy, when it worked.  Abby blinked and focused her gaze on Raven’s.

“You imagined taking my clothes off?” She repeated, her voice was weak and a little shaky, but the lifted eyebrow was the same old Abby.

“Well duh,” Raven replied, lifting Abby’s shirt over her head and trying desperately not to stare.  “You’re damned sexy Abby Griffin, why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t understand you,” Abby wiped at her tears, fighting Becca’s persistent whispers and the fire in Raven’s eyes.

“There’s nothing to understand,” Raven shrugged. “I am ridiculously attracted to you, you are involved with Marcus and I’m resigned to either dying with you here or living in a bunker for five years, watching you be in love with him.”

The way Raven spoke so casually was like a scalpel to Abby’s already tattered heart. She took those strong, mechanic’s hands in hers.

“Raven…Yes, Marcus and I have been involved. He’s a good man, Raven.  He’s warm, strong and passionate...”

“Yeah, thanks for that,” Raven muttered.

Abby ignored the interruption. “You have to understand that I never pictured you and me together. Not because it’s wrong or because I don’t find you incredibly captivating, it just never occurred to me. …hell, I never even considered that you would be attracted to me of all people,” Abby said, still having trouble wrapping her mind around it. “You’re so young and so vibrant and beautiful, there are so many people your own age that you could…”

“I don’t want them,” Raven interrupted sharply.  “I said, it’s okay. I know that you don’t want me and I can deal with it, but can’t deal without you in my life at all.”

“You should try letting me finish speaking one day,” Abby smiled. “As I said, it’s true that I never thought about…us.  I was clearly to self absorbed or too blind to notice what was right in front of me, but now that I have noticed, I can’t help but want what you’re offering.”   The hopeful smile that crossed Raven’s face caused a tug in Abby’s heart.

“Really?”

Abby, reached out to touch Raven’s face. “Yes, really Raven. Nobody but Jake has ever looked at me the way you do, as if you truly see me, as if you can see ever flaw or self-doubt or fear and you don’t care, as if you accept that part of me just as easily as the good things.  And, sweetheart,” Abby was shivering again but for a different reason, “the way that you kiss me…how can I not want you, Raven?”

“But…Marcus?”

“I care for him,” Abby answered quickly, “and yes, part of me loves him, but he doesn’t see me the way you do. He sees what I let him see, but you…you know me better than anyone else. You are able to get past my walls and now that I know what it feels like to kiss you, I…”  Abby stopped, unable to find anymore words to explain what she was feeling.

Raven saw Abby struggling, and fearing the hallucinations would start again, she placed her fingers over Abby’s lips.

“Let’s get rid of those voices now, okay? And then we can get back to the good stuff,” she offered with a teasing leer, hoping to give Abby something familiar in order to ground her.

Abby laughed, the first real laugh she’d had for a while, and Raven’s smile faltered briefly, thinking there was not a more beautiful sound in universe.

“Come on, hot stuff, lets get those pants off you.”

“Smooth talker,” Abby snorted and then slid out of her jeans, trying not to feel too self conscious.

“Jesus, you’re beautiful,” Raven muttered and then shook her head. It was so not the time.  She attached the electrodes and everything she’d need to make sure Abby survived the risky procedure and then a flicker of fear went through her as she considered the worst-case scenario and she begged any god or spirit listening that she wasn’t about to kill this woman.  

“I’ll see you soon,” she whispered before dropping a fierce and lingering kiss on her Abby’s lips.

Abby offered up another of her rare smiles. “I trust you Raven,” she said, reading the worry on the mechanic’s face as plain as day.  She climbed into the tank and let Raven play doctor.

* * * * * *

The pain was excruciating.  Abby’s eyes flew open and she gasped in agony, sitting up as the pain began to leave.  She coughed up the water that had flooded her lungs as she tried to pull her mind together.

“Oh Abby, shit,”

Suddenly, Abby felt a warm pressure around her shoulders and instantly her mind focused enough to remember Raven and all of it.

“Raven?” she choked out.

Raven’s hands went to Abby’s dripping hair, pushing it out of her face.  “Oh Jesus. Thank God, you’re okay,” Raven muttered, pulling Abby into a fierce hug.

After a brief pause, Abby wrapped her arms around Raven, still trying to clear her fuzzy mind.  Finally, fingers lifted her face and Raven’s lips were on hers, kissing her almost desperately.

“You’re okay, you’re okay,” Raven repeated between kisses as her panic began to ease.  Finally, she stepped away, knowing Abby was freezing.  She helped the still shivering and confused woman from the tank and wrapped a towel around her, rubbing her arms briskly hoping to warm her.

“I…that didn’t feel good at all,” Abby finally said, once she was feeling close to normal,

“Yeah, not my favorite thing either,” Raven agreed.  “But the important thing is…did it work?” 

Abby stilled and let her mind drift for a moment, before releasing a heavy sigh and a big smile.  “Yeah. I think so. Oh, Raven sweetheart, you are so incredibly brilliant.”

Until that moment, Raven Reyes had never blushed a day in her life. “Yeah, well while I hate to say it, maybe we should get you into something dry?”

It was Abby’s turn to blush as she had forgotten she was standing in just her bra and underwear.  “Oh. That’s probably a good idea.”

“Pity,” Raven leered and unable to help herself, she pulled Abby close once more. “God, I’m glad you’re back,” she whispered earnestly before dropping her head into Abby’s shoulder.

“Thank you for saving me,” Abby whispered back, sliding her hands up Raven’s back. 

“We save each other,” Raven replied, pulling back to look into those beautiful dark eyes.  “It’s our thing.  Now go get dressed before I forget I’m not a hormonal teenager,” she said, only half teasing.  A half naked Abby Griffin was almost more than her brain could handle.

* * * * *

When Abby finally headed back down to the lab, she was feeling a million times better, all things considered, wearing some clothes she found that must have belonged to Becca.  She decided to leave her wet hair loose, thinking it would dry faster.

She stepped into the lab unsurprised to see Raven glued to a computer monitor.  She stopped and simply watched the young woman for a long moment.  Never had anyone intrigued Abby the way Raven Reyes did. For one so young, she had so many layers. Tough yet vulnerable, too stubborn and brave for her own good, so smart it made Abby jealous, so guarded, yet her eyes said everything and so protective of her heart, yet she’d laid it open for Abby, even expecting rejection.  All of those different and contradictory attributes drew Abby like a magnet and now that she’d been introduced to just a small sample of Raven’s passion, she was almost compelled to experience more.  She could blame it on her relentless scientific curiosity, but looking at Raven now staring so intently at the screen, the lights from the monitor illuminating her beautiful face and her hair, for once, let loose from it’s pony tail, falling in a midnight curtain around her shoulders, Abby knew curiosity had nothing to do with it.  Raven had stirred a fire inside of her and Abby had to know more.

She approached Raven quietly, and placed her hands on the strong shoulders that carried so much and began to massage gently, feeling her relax almost instantly.

“You really do have magic hands, doc,” Raven said, turning in the chair to look up at the woman who’d stolen her heart.

“Sometimes,” Abby replied.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Abby smiled softly. “I’m better Raven, thanks to you.” 

Raven got to her feet. Sometimes, when s he was feeling insecure, especially around Abby, the reminder she was a few inches taller than the doctor made her feel a bit more confident.

“I will always be here for you Abby,” she said warmly and then her eyes flew wide as Abby slid her arms around her neck and her hands into her hair.

“That means the world to me Raven,” Abby said, “and I will always be here for you. You know that, right?”

“You always have been,” she replied, “but if you want to kiss me again, that would be good too.”

Abby offered a throaty chuckle and pulled Raven’s lips to hers and for several long minutes, both women let themselves forget that neither had ever even been attracted to a woman before, that the world was dying and that they would most likely starve to death in this very house.  They only knew the feeling of soft lips and the sound of gentle breathy moans.  

“What the hell?”

The unexpected shout, ripped Abby and Raven apart and they turned to see a six people wearing hazmat suits.  Abby instinctively stepped in front of Raven.

“Who the hell are you?” she demanded roughly and then her knees nearly buckled when one of the figures stepped forward without a helmet.

“Clarke,” Abby whispered, rushing over to hug her daughter.

“Mom,” for a moment, Clarke clung tightly to her mother, needing the familiar security and warmth, then she remembered what they’d just walked into.

“What the hell did I just see?” she asked, more curious than anything.

“I think that was pretty obvious,” Murphy drawled, before Clarke could say anything.  “Want us to come back in thirty?”

Abby’s face turned red and Raven’s temper flared. “Shut up Murphy,” she warned.

 “What?” Murphy asked innocently while the others rolled their eyes.

“Mom?”

“I…” Abby looked at Raven in a panic. A small half smile helped settle her resolve and she turned back to Clarke.

“That’s between Raven and me,” Abby said quietly.  “But why are you here? I told Marcus I wasn’t coming back.”

“Did you really think I was going to be okay with that?” Clarke asked. “Mom, I know I haven’t always shown it, but I love you and there’s no way I can do this…any of it, without you.”

Abby’s throat tightened, it had been so long since she’d seen any sign her daughter even respected her, much less needed her. “Oh honey, I love you too but yes you can.  You’ve grown so much and you have all of…”

“No.  I’m not leaving you behind,” Clarke insisted, her eyes stinging at just the thought of losing the strongest woman she’d ever known.

“We’re not leaving anyone behind,” Bellamy added.

“But there’s no time to get back,” Raven protested.

“We’re not going back,” Clarke announced, with a small grin. “We’re going up.”

THE END.

 

 

 

 

 


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